Dear Confused and Sad Worker,

I have to firstly assume that you’re full of shit, because nobody actually says “cherry on top.” Also, no Fords in our domestic US market yet come from China… not for another two years. Most of them sold here are “assembled” in Mexico, ‘Merica, or Turkey… with parts made in China. Big difference. Also, everyone has scraped off their Trump bumper stickers by now, except the ones that were put on the back of company work vehicles owned by total ass-wipes… but I digress.

Yes, I am familiar with “douche bags,” and have often been accused of being one myself, but not of that “type,” thank God. Teaching scumbags a lesson is something that I specialize in; I’ve been working on that for decades, possibly as a reaction to all the really great lessons my father taught me when I was a kid. Thanks asshole. There are literally hundreds of ways to do this. What will work best for you all depends on your levels of commitment, anger, and the size of your balls (literal or figurative). To make things simple I’ll start with my top three favorites, beginning with the most difficult and going down to the quick simple stuff for the Millennial crowd:

1. Vacation Denial: “Huh, how do what?” you say, or “why?” If you’re asking “why” you’re stupider than I thought. It’s to fuck with the turd, disrupt his/her/their personal life and inflict completely unnecessary bullshit and pain, just like they do to you and will only increase doing when they get promoted for checking off worthless accomplishments as required on the rise to exert control over your life. OK, this is a long-term investment and will require at least 1-2 accomplices, and several months, possibly even a year to pull off. You have to begin with some intelligence gathering, to know the special times of year this creature wants to fly back to Mordor. You may actually have to make some bullshit small talk like “So, got any big vacation plans this fucking year?” It works. Dickheads love to talk about themselves and all the great shit they’re going to be doing. (Insert next Trump joke here.) Then you and 1-2 of your saboteurs (depending on your company’s policies) request days off on that same date, but FIRST. That’s the important part. If Shithead later comes to you and asks if you can move your day off so his family can visit Disney World for the 12th time, tell them that it’s your Grammaw’s 91st birthday and she’s not gonna make it much farther. This works, and it crushes. I didn’t think this up; I learned it from two great dudes I work with (my company’s policy only lets two people out of a department at a time). They have done it. It was awesome and I love them for it.
2. Filler Material: I know I said there are hundreds of ways to do this, but I got really drunk while typing all this crap, so I’ll have to get back with you later on #2. I’m serious, I totally planned it out while taking a nap yesterday. Also, totally serious about being hammered.

1. Shouldn’t this be “3”? Fuck you Microsoft, and you too Bill Gates. Who cares what you do for India with your “foundation” or your support of NPR.  I’ve got more important shit going on.  So #3 should be:
2. Stabbing: Yes. Actual stabbing, like with a knife. Man up. It should be a made-in-USA blade, like a Kershaw or Gerber; don’t use the garbage they sell at Wally-World, those are Chinese and won’t work right. You should make sure to wear a bandit-mask, and do this off the clock and away from company property.

So, Confused and Sad Worker, I hope this makes your shitty life better. Some of these many strategies have helped me a lot over the years when trying to find ways to deal with brown-nosing trolls.

Best of luck,

Working Class Life Hacks

EXTRA “DON’T-REALLY-STAB-PEOPLE” DISCLAIMER:

Number one remember that THIS IS A HUMOR COLUMN OK FBI? and number two you don’t need to know my name. Or my Drivers License Number, and neither does fucking Target, that’s for gotdamn sure. That’s how they fucking get you. I can buy my cheap beers and cheap underwears someplace else you sonsofbitches.

Alright then.