Dear Working Class Life Hacks,
I’m a subhuman piece of shit and I don’t know what month it is. Also, I forgot to get presents for Kwanzaaaa/X-Mas/Chanookahz. Can you help me?
Giftless in Gainesville
Dear Subhuman Turd,
So it’s two minutes to midnight, and you haven’t gotten a present for that one, or two, or all of those needy capitalists on your list. What to do? Well, the good news is that they probably know you, so they won’t be expecting much. Like anything. Like ever. The bad news is that they may have gotten you something, and now you’ll look like a total asshat if you’re empty-handed.
Ask yourself these quick questions:
Did person X get you a present last year?
Was it on time for whatever holiday is appropriate for you?
If the answer is no, then take a pass and go crack a cold one while you Netflix and chill, or whatever it is you thoughtless peoples do nowadays. Fuck it.
If the answer is yes, or sure, or I dunno that was a fuckin year ago, then you might need to address this issue. So here’s a list, in no specific order of complexity, of how you can defeat this challenge in spite of your total lack of preparation, financial backing, or emotional attachment:
1. The Boomerang
This would be the return of a lost, borrowed, stolen, or forgotten item to a neighbor, friend, parole officer, whoever. Fancy fuckers call this re-gifting. You can use a regular plastic grocery bag to wrap the item, or you could go for the paper sack and then drop some knowledge on how important the environment is. If you want to go balls-to-the-wall, make a bow out of masking tape or something. Be creative, people love that. It shows that you “care.”
This strategy definitely works. A month ago my neighbor came over, a little tipsy, and proceeded to drink about 42 of my beers. No big deal, happens all the time, he’s my buddy. But he also left a bottle of wine behind. It was drunk droppings, kinda like mouse droppings but better. I don’t drink wine, because I’m not a woman or a real estate agent. So, by the front door it sat, until today, X-mas eve. I handed it back to him rolled up in a brown paper bag (“fuckin global warming, man”) and then with a prolonged handshake and unnecessarily direct eye contact, gave him a hearty “Enjoy the time with your family, bro.”
2. The Promise
This one is mostly bullshit, and everyone knows it, so it’s best used with close loved ones, those who have built up some tolerance for your emotional abuse. This strategy is exactly like when you were a kid and some asshole teacher at school forced you to make a coupon book of shit you hated doing to give to your parents. But you’re an adult now, so the coupons can be for real stuff, not like a promise to never again make your brother sled down the stairs in a cardboard box.
I will remove the dishwasher that’s been broken for 6 years.
I will get the 1992 Suzuki Samurai down off the blocks and out of the backyard.
I will attend a social function with your friends and make an attempt at normal human facial expressions while interacting verbally for no less than 3 minutes.
I will perform certain deviant sexual acts for you.
You get the idea. It’s not stuff you’ll necessarily really have to do, so it’s OK to go big with The Promise. The rules can change later in the year. People on the internet call that gaslighting. It’s fancy now.
3. The Gift Card
This one is pretty legit, and can be done online if you’re fancy and own a computer, or go to the public library. If you need to, you can use this strategy to send leave-me-alone money to that old lady who keeps on bitching about the 48 hours your lazy good-fer-nuthin self took to come out of her uterine parts. The best part is you can do it all online, so you don’t actually have to visit.
For someone you actually plan on chillaxing with, you can grab a gift card at the grocery store and tape it to a 40 oz. of Colt 45. For realz. If everyone gave me that, I’d be so much better off. Truth.
4. The Getting Hammered and Robbing the UPS Guy
This strategy goes pretty much just like it sounds, but I might not be remembering the whole night. If you want to try a lower-key version, you could grab some poinsettias or some hardy potted annuals and shit right off somebody’s porch. Plants are a great gift. Well, not really, but stolen shit is pretty cool. DO NOT do this in your own neighborhood. Or in the daytime, if that’s when you do your getting hammered. Bandit masks optional but strongly encouraged.
Anyway, Happy Holidays. Have fun with Baby Jesus and your last minute efforts to show how much you care.
Best of luck,
Working Class Life Hacks
EXTRA “DON’T REALLY ROB THE UPS GUY” DISCLAIMER:
DON’T REALLY ROB THE UPS GUY.
Number one remember that THIS IS A HUMOR COLUMN OK FBI?
and number two you don’t need to know my name. Or my Drivers License Number, and neither does fucking Target, that’s for gotdamn sure. That’s how they fucking get you. I can buy my cheap beers and cheap underwears someplace else you sonsofbitches.
Send questions about your shitty problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject DEAR WCLH.